Deep down inside, I realize. I'm a visionary. I see beyond what is really there and something inside of me tells me that its time to let go. What is it? What is this deep yearning for more that I cannot explain? The voice is vague. Things will probably be explained over time.
Its funny, I'm so good at diagnosing people's problems and helping other people overcome great obstacles, but when an obstacle or confusion enters my life, I have absolutely no course for rectification. Why is it that I can't take a step back. Why can't I let go of the situation and evaluate it from a distance? Maybe its because I care too much. I'm bound by forces which I do not control?
Today I sold my Digital Rebel to someone from OT. What a small world it is! It turns out he knows a lot of people from Imports@UCI. It feels good to be moving in the right direction. Initially, I had all intentions of keeping the camera as a back-up but it wasn't fair for me to hoard its greatness. In all honesty, its better off in the hands of one who will use it. Allen has been doing photography for a while with a G3 and his creativity probably surpasses me. I had no problem putting the Rebel, my beloved, in his hands. I'm sure he will take more advantage of it than I did and take care of it as well.
Why is it? Why is it that we take things for granted? I realized its difficult to appreciate something that you have. This sounds so cliche.. but its so damn true. I have to keep reminding myself to be grateful for all of the things around me, no matter how difficult those things may sometimes be. We never realize all of the little things around us that keep us living, breathing.. that keep us up.
Its always the moment that they get up and leave. The moment they release their grip upon the world and let go that a swooping wind blows down. The wind of revelation. Realization even. At that moment, we realize how important something that we had in our pession, something that we didn't recognize or cherish is now gone. Its only then that we realize how important that thing was to us. Why is it like that? Is it our inner selfishness?
I think its time for me to step away from Imports@UCI. Maybe not forever... maybe just to step back and realize, maybe for myself, what I am personally taking for granted. To solve my problems and to resolve my issues. I'm great at evaluating other people's problems but I always find failure when I attempt to solve mine.
A chinese proverb says that true happiness doesn't come from having what you want, but wanting what you have. Ask yourself a question. The answer may come easily to you, or it may take days of pondering to realize... Are you happy? If not.. maybe its time to let go...