It seems like a reoccuring theme in my life. I grow close to something. I learn to love, to cherish, to enjoy something or someone.. and then suddenly I feel like I'm headed down the wrong road. I push myself away. I ostrasize myself from everything around me, regardless of whether or not it will hurt me or people around me.
Suffering. Everyone cheers for the underdog and I suppose I enjoy being in the position. Life gets boring when you're on top of the game, so when I get close, I guess I push myself away. I can't explain myself. People try to help me. How can they help me? How can someone help me when I can't even help myself. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. I'm fickle. Undedicated. I have no passion.
Passion. It comes to me in bursts. I'll set up a resolution for myself to follow. The end result looks good. The means to acheive the goal and stick to my resolution are solid. Then it all falls apart. I lack the drive and determination to get things done. I'm a quitter. I'll always be a quitter. Maybe its because I'm unskilled and untalented or maybe its because I strive to be that underdog. The one everyone cheers for but never wins. Who knows. I certainly don't.
I'm just confused. I'm drifting away from everything around me. I see it. I see the pieces of my life getting smaller and smaller as I float further and further away. Things that were once within arms length are now far out of reach. Theres a slight emptiness in me right now.
Wait. I know. Thats why. I've figured it out. Theres an emptiness inside of me. I'm searching for something to fill the void. I thought it was photography. It was more of a tool to ease the pain from the hole inside of me. It definitely didn't solidify anything that was missing.
I wish I could explain what is happening. I wish I could explain why I feel this way or why I do things, but I can't. I just have to wait it out.