I've always evaluated my life as wasted potential. Fully motivated and inspired, I am a dedicated and unstoppable force. I always felt like I could do anything I wanted, as long as I wanted it bad enough, but .. it just turns out I never want it bad at all. Waste. I can see people looking at me with their judgemental eyes, wondering why I live my rotting existence..
We learned in Economics 20C this half of the quarter that over long term, real GDP (gross domestic product) equals potential GDP, but in the short term, the fluctuations change with the changing economy in its recessions and expansions. So maybe my entire life is in a recession right now and I'm trekking towards an expansion that will change the way I see, live, and experience life. Or maybe this is my potential and I'm maxed out.... Whatever the case, I seem to be spiraling into a dark pit of recession. I'm spinning and falling and nobody is at the bottom to catch me. Nobody cares.
I guess I really can't explain the situation without stepping back to where it sort of began. It seems like a series of events that has put me into my predicament. Stress, anger, pain, confusion are all states of being that have occupied my mind in the descent to doom..
I started to get into photography at the beginning of the year, around January. Before that, I had owned camers but never really took pictures. The Digital Rebel looked like a good buy. (I think I got it in Oct/Nov). It wasn't until I met up with Imports@UCI via a t-shirt that I designed that I would shutter-click my way into thousands of pictures. 4,000. 5,000. With the Digital Rebel relatively new, and me even more new to photography I was naive... I shot everything I could. . . Then a couple of months ago I started reading "horror stories". Shutter failure, shutter failure. Apparently the Rebel had a shutter rated for 8,000 accusations. Nearing the magical number, I eased off my shooting. My shoots were getting rather simplistic, shooting what I needed and avoiding everything that would waste the precious time I had.
Then it hit. 8,000. Nothing. I made it, but I was living on borrowed time. Expansion? or Recession? It was an inevitability which could not be avoided. I continued to shoot knowing in my mind that it could go anytime. . . .
Two weeks ago I visited VSA's Culture night with no thought of shutter death in my mind. Acceptable, I thought. No problem. I can deal with it. I hoped it happened soon. "The sooner it happens, the sooner I can get it fixed!" I said to myself. 9,500. As I dumped a card into my Archos Gmini 120, I looked down to see the file numbering. My camera numbers files with the corresponding accusation. CRW_9989*. I was about to break 10,000. Then, it happened. I broke it. I broke it and exceeded it. I shot 600 pictures that night, probably too many considering it wasn't my event. I wasn't the main photographer. I was just a guest.
I went home, and continued shooting. Tech inspection, Tech day. Events came and went with no problem.
Photography, of course, isn't my entire life. I'm not a single one lane road. My life is like my mind, billions of things going on at once. While fate was unfolding before my own eyes, I had other important things to deal with. School, friends, life. Its no secret that I haven't had any strong relationships (girl-wise) in the past couple of years (5). The closest I got was a summer ago. It was a confusing time in my life and quite a confusing ending. I got owned. I moved on.. sort of.
Voices tell me what to feel. What to do. Who to be. I comply. Do I like her? I don't know. Do I love her? Doubtful. I forget what love is. I forget what it feels like to hold someone's hand. To be me, complete.. at home. I forget. Its been so long. Love could be like a bicycle. You never forget how to ride, but after a while you do forget what a thrill it is to be rolling down a hill, legs relaxed on the pedals you break through the barrier of air, hair blowing back out of your face. Free. I forget how it feels to be complete. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm following the voices into a dead end. I see the destination, but by now my momentum is too great to break. To turn around.
The voices tell me to stop. Avoid hurt at all costs. I want to hurt. "It'll make a great story," I say to myself. I forget how it feels to hurt. Dead end. Good bye world. I smirk, turn my back.. and take a few steps into freedom. I'm breaking all the barriers and I'm not looking back....
Its Saturday. The phone rings. I've gotten two "sorry wrong number!"'s in the last week. I smile as I reach over my bed, grab my phone, and end the polyphonic ring tone with a triumphant flip. My phone reacts with a slight jolt and I rasie it to my face without any hesitation or even a look at the screen.
Hello?
Hey.
Oh, hey..
What a comforting voice. In my time of despair, a savior.. or maybe not. I forget what it feels like to hurt. She served. Its my turn to return. Its a strange game indeed.
Get ready.
For what?
For what? I don't know. I'm indecisive, not impulsive. Spontanuity in Chemistry increases with increasing entropy (disorder). Apparently, in my most disordered and confused state, I became the most spontaneous and impulsive person ever. Two people colliding. Next thing you know, we're watching one of the best movies I've watched in a long time.
A Man on Fire. Great. Movie. Definitely on part with some of the better ratings I've given out over the past year. Its fun, but all play aside, there is business to be dealt with. My schoolwork seems to be spiraling down with my life. In contrast to the person I'm sitting next to, I am a mess. Depression is a word to weakly describe the state I am in. I just made stupid mistakes to cost me a Calculus midterm, and now I'm sitting in a movie theatre .. when I have two midterms coming up the following week.
I hurry home after dropping her off. I forget how it feels to want. To laugh. I relate to the movie, but there is no time to think. Church. Home. Shower. Pack. Then I'm off again, on a journey that is not my own. Lancaster, Ca. We arrive a day early for the event. I do not want to be here. It seems like a chain of bad moves, but stress has snowballed me a huge momentum which I, nor anybody can prevent from crashing into my dead end. Destiny. Fate. Whatever you want to call it. I get 3 hours sleep and head out to the track the next day.
I feel an impending doom looming over me as me and Dan make it out to the track. The lady in charge won't let us pass, but Tommy (SpeedTrialUSA) makes it happen. We stand in the middle of the track on an elevated platform surounded by brick walls. Anti-impact. It'll ensure our safety. Moments late, I find out how wrong I was. My camera is snapping fine. 11,200. I pan. The sun is behind me. I ordered a filter online to cut the light on the lens in half a week ago, but the trip overseas is taking longer than expected. I frown but trek on. Its my job. Its my job. "Its my fucking job," I say to myself and keep panning. The sun is right on my face. I wish I had some shade. I wish I had ice. I wish I had a cold drink, an open book, and a life. Instead I feel stranded, trapped with cars spinning around me, zooming in and out of track. *SNAP* *SNAP* *SNAP* The wind begins to blow. Not so bad. Tommy told us it'd be sunny. I put my jacket on. A member of Imports@UCI blazes past us. *SNAP* *SNAP* *SN...? ... incomplete. Confused. I've never heard that sound before, but I've definitely heard of it. I panic, but play it off. I smile and continue pointless babble with Dan. I'm glad he has come out with me to keep me company. I think I'd go crazy if someone didn't.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive. I switch my camera off. I turn it back on as a dark Silver Porche blazes past two Evolutions. Damn. I need this picture. I throw my lens up. *SNAP* *SN...? Failure. The wind picks up. The sun intensifies. I'm starting to wish more and more I stayed at home. I'm starting to wish I spent time the day before going to buy a hat. I'm starting to wish I had sun screen. I want to be anywhere but here.
Failure. The story of my life. My shoulders droop. I release the grip on my camera. I don't know what to do. Dan notices. Its over. I try to snap as much as I can. The wind gets worse. Its at least 30mph winds now. The fine grout comes up off the ground and penetrates my camera. I know its in there. Deep. I don't have my ND filter. I'm shooting f/16-f/20. Any bit of debris will show up in the pictures. Worst day ever. I don't want to be here.
I leave. I leave after 4 hours of shooting. I sit around. In the sun. I get sunburned on my face. It hurts. I'm in pain. I'm depressed. The Chemistry exam on Monday adds to the list: stress. My life? Who knows. Just get through this recession and we're home free. "Home free," I repeat in my head. Home free.
I'll clean the camera tonight. Study for Econ and Chem. Take the camera to Canon Irvine tomorrow. Take the Chem exam before that. Study for Econ. Do Chem webworks. Take the Econ midterm. Then crash. This snowball has taken over my life. How did I let things get this out of control? It feels like I'm wasting my potential. Bad decisions. Everything.
Leave a Comment (4)
