Life is funny. Its funny how it all works out. And its funny that I can be so vague about an entry and mean so much. How else can I put it but funny. How else can I describe what is happening to me right now? I try to put it into words, but nothing comes out. I'm choking inside.. stuttering.. losing my mind. Its funny. Not a joke, I guess.. or maybe it is. Life is laughing at me.. at my inability to cope with the events that are occuring all around me. Funny.
Saturday.. September 20th, 2003. The closing of a chapter in my life. I've always looked at life as a book. You write what happens to you. You choose your own destiny. Some things are givens. You can't prevent the inevitable from happening and you obviously can't dwell upon something forever. I remember in the 3rd or 4th grade, grabbing my first chapter book and realizing how much more in depth books can be. It wasn't till recently that I came to the conclusion that my life is a long chapter book. Chapters, like all good things, I know... come to and end.. and two are closing today.
Summer as I know it is over. My summer-time job. Its over. Today will be my last day. In just 16 hours, I start my last shift ever. But who cares about that. There is a much more significant role in my book that is going away. Its funny how all my existence is going away in a single moment.. on the same day. In less than 8 hours .. probably my best friend will be gone.. and then in the following 8 hours, my job will be gone as well. The two things that seemed to keep me going throughout the summer.. that gave me purpose, that gave me meaning will be gone. Without them.. I am seamingly nothing. I reflect back on the last three months and all I can remember are some of the happiest times of my life. It sucks that just as I was getting closer to David.. he has to go away. I sit here and curse at his parents for caring about him.. wanting him to go to what they believed was the best place for him. UCR. I mean, what do you fucking expect. They're asian parents.. and all asian parents know that UCs are way fucking better than Cal States. Hell, thats why I'm becomming a fucking environmental engineer instead of some fancy shmancy environmental designer (oh yeah, theres a huge difference). ... I curse at them for taking my best friend away from me. It sucks.
It sucks because he was so much like me. He is one of the only people who ever really shared my passion for photography. Sure, not in my artistic sense, but he was patient with me and understood what I wanted to do. On our trip, he let me take pictures and listened to my babbling about photography even though he probably could care less about the difference between ISO 50 and ISO 400.. or what Av or Tv modes did.. but he listened. Coincidently, just as he was there to listen to me talk about photography, grpahics, warez... whatever.. he was always there for me.. to make me laugh when assholes invaded my store and made my day horrible, or to guide me in the right direction when everything was falling apart. I never got to tell him, and I'm not the type of person who is really open about my emotions.. but he was really the type of person that I could just go talk to. I've been reading a lot of stupid quotes saying a true friend is someone you can just sit there and not say a word and it'll be one of the best conversations you've ever had or whatever... and I always felt like I had that with him.
People used to call us brothers.. strangers, I mean, would confuse us for brothers. In a way.. David was my brother. The brother I never had. We had that close relationship that was virtually dramaless. It was cool. We didn't have to talk everyday.. or anything.. and we would still have an understanding of each other. We were both like our lives, like books, we could be read by one another. So you could say.. David was a part of me, of my life that was very dear to me.. and now hes leaving and theres nothing I can do to slow it down or stop it.
It was our last meeting today. We went to eat w/ everybody .. then to Carson's house. Its sad. I can see how David is sad. There were at least 14 people there today.. and only one other person is actually travelling further than David.. everyone else, for the most part, is staying rooted at home.. and hes leaving. I don't know.. I gave him my Cat 5 cable so he can go online.. and I'll probably visit him a couple times. His parents won't let him take the car, so he won't be able to go anywhere.. it'll be a strictly me going there only thing.. which will suck because I'm lazy and stuff. Iono. I couldn't even look at him today as I said goodbye. I suck at goodbye's... so I just said bye like I always do. "Lock the door on your way out".. then I turned around and cried. :| I'm a fucking loser. At least when he was here, I was a fucking loser with a friend, but now I'm just.. a fucking loser.
I wonder how things will change when hes gone. How my life will move on. How our relationship will change.. evolve? or fade. People always told me that you have highschool relationships.. and then college relationships. You rarely hold on to both. Its inevitable then, I guess. I can't stop it from happening.....
I've always looked at life as a book. You choose your destiny. Some things are givens.. life, school, friendhips.. and then some things are inevitable. I guess this was meant to happen. :|
Goodbye.
hey.. aww cheer up dude... well if you ever need to talk or anything.. im all ears.